Rhett And Link Lyrics
"Epic Rap Battle Of Manliness"

I.. WAS.. BORN With hair on my chest
A gleam in my eye to latch onto a breast
I cut my own umbilical cord
With my razor sharp teeth
Then I drove home
and my mom rode on in the back seat
I didn't go through puberty
Puberty went through me
And it was never even awkward
Cause I made it happen instantly
If you addressed a letter to "man"
And put it in the mail
Rest assured I'd receive it
But I ain't gonna be your pen pal
My time is too valuable for that
I'll be too busy working a jackhammer

You're a momma's boy
I was born in a artic cave
And adopted by wolves
That's how I was raised
I didn't drink milk
I suckled the fangs of venomous snakes
I killed the first man that I met
With just my firm handshake
I potty trained myself
You're still bed-wetting
I smell like charcoal
When I'm sweating
And was the best man at my own wedding
Search Google images for masculinity
Feel free to Photoshop your face on that image of me
Creative Commons, punk
Meanwhile I'll be adjusting some really large nuts

I rise before the sun
Screw circadian rhythm
I bathe with sandpaper
And my underwear is denim
I shave with a box cutter
Blindfolded as well
Cause if I look in the mirror I intimidate myself
I've got no need for sleep
I never shut my eyes
I tie fishing lures
While I memorize Apache war cries
The sun comes up when I tell it I'm ready
Then I trim my nose hairs
With a razor-sharp machete

I'm manly cause I'm so handy
Even my feet are hands
I built a hobbit house for a homeless man
Without using any plans
My kids jungle gym has a full-size trapeze
And I modified my garden hose
To dispense nacho cheese

I'm handy too
I rerouted my bathroom exhaust fan
In to your bedroom
My right incisor's a Philips head screwdriver
I made my sun deck in to a Holodeck
Where I hang out with MacGyver

My GPS gets its sense of direction from me
I can drive ten hours without stopping to take a leak
I don't avert my eyes when I pass road kill
And I teach an online course
In parallel parking skills

When my car breaks down I don't call a mechanic
I just open the hood and then I stare at it
And then I call a mechanic
But I won't be cheated
He's not gonna talk me in to repairs
That I didn't know that I needed

I can sleep alone in the woods
Without a tent I might get a little scared
But then I get over it
I tie knots that Eagle Scouts haven't even heard of
Like the double overhand figure-eight fisherman's bird glove

Well I got the know-how to properly grill every part of a cow
And when I taste a veggie patty I just spit it out
I'll break your face with a plate if you want it well-done
And your wife is always asking me to toast her buns

I'm too much man for a manicure
I don't even have cuticles
For the sake of convenience
I keep a urinal in my cubicle
I can barefoot ski
I can smell the fear of bees
I threw up my mouth the one time that I watched Glee
I am my own boss
My middle name is Hoss
I don't even know what it feels like
To sit with my legs crossed
I've never been shopping
I don't remove pizza toppings
I can tell the age of a mountain goat just by sniffing its droppings
You sniff mountain goat droppings?