The Dickies Lyrics
"If Stuart Could Talk"

I got a little friend, he's with me to the end
What does he say?
I ask him for opinions and political decisions
Each and everyday
I know that it's a dream dirty and obscene anyway

If Stuart could talk, what would he say?
If Stuart could talk, what would he say?
If Stuart could talk, what would he say?
What would he say if Stuey could talk to me?

Whenever I'm alone, I'm really not alone
He's always there
When I am going to falter and I'm standing at the alter
And there's not a prayer
I know it's up to him if I ever sin anyway

What would he say, what would he say?
"Yes, my name is Stuart and I assure you I can speak"

"And lately I find myself astounded
At the sort of company you keep
Something further I must mention
Of this fact I cannot understand"

"Is your insatiable attention at annoying me with your hand?
And in closing, may I offer this point must be succinct?
My purpose is for procreation and not facilitating in your sin"