Steve Taylor Lyrics
"Lifeboat"

Female Teacher: "Good morning, class!"

Class: "Good morning, Mrs. Aryan."

Mrs. Aryan: "Today we're going to play a game!"

Class: "Yay!"

Mrs. Aryan: "This game is called 'Lifeboat.' All together..."

Class: "Lifeboat!"

Mrs. Aryan: "Good! Lifeboat is a lesson in
values clarification. Can you say 'values clarification'?"

Class: "No."

Mrs. Aryan: "'Values clarification' is where your little minds
decide which lives are worth living and which lives are
worth...*clears throat* not living. Now here's how we play.
A big ship just sank. There are five people on the lifeboat.
But the lifeboat is only made for two. I'll list the five people
on the chalkboard, and you, class, will decide which three
will be thrown overboard. Are we ready?"

Class: "Yes, Mrs. Aryan."

Mrs. Aryan: "Good! First, there's an old, old crippled grandfather.
Second, there's a mentally handicapped person in a wheelchair."

Female student: "What's 'mentally handicapped'?"

Mrs. Aryan: "It means they can never be a productive members
of society. Third, there's an overweight woman on welfare, with a
sniffling, whimpering baby."

Male student: "Is the baby on welfare, too?"

Mrs. Aryan: "Let's not push Mrs. Aryan..."

Female Student: "Who else is in the boat?"

Mrs. Aryan: A young, white doctor with blue eyes and perfect
teeth, and Joan Collins. Now, class, take five minutes to make
your decision.

Times up! Well, class?"

Class: "Throw over grandpa, 'cause he's getting pretty old
Throw out the baby, or we'll all be catching it's cold
Throw over fatty, and we'll see if she can float
Throw out the retard, and they won't be rocking the boat"

Mrs. Aryan: "Very good! That was fun, wasn't it?"

Class: "Yes, Mrs. Aryan."

Mrs. Aryan: "For our next lesson, we're going to do an experiment!"

Class: "Yay!"

Mrs. Aryan: "We're going to test the law of gravity, just like Galileo,
by dropping two objects out the window, one heavy and one light,
to see which one hits the sidewalk first. Now what shall we use for
the lighter object? I'm thinking of something small and square..."

Male student: "An eraser?"

Mrs. Aryan: "Good! And what shall we use for the heavy object?
I'm thinking of something round and bouncy.
*class shuffles, begins moving from their seats*
Tommy, I haven't given you permission to leave your seat. Class,
the bell has not rung. What do you... oh! Oh! Class, put me down!
Class, put me down this instant! What? What are you? Oh...! Oh...! Oh..."

Class: "Throw over teacher, and we'll see if she can bounce
*WHAM!*
We've learned our lesson, teacher says perfection's what counts
She's getting old and gray, and wears an ugly coat
Throw over teacher, and we'll play another game of 'Lifeboat'

Throw over grandpa, 'cause he's getting pretty old
Throw out the baby, or we'll all be catching it's cold
Throw over fatty, and we'll see if she can float
Throw out the retard, and they won't be rocking the boat

Yay!" *laughter* *clapping*